RubyRolled!
by Melanie Malachite
Summary: Welcome to the wild world of RWBY! Come and watch the crazy antics of all your favorite RWBY characters, and Yang will be there too. If you've got a good suggestion for a future chapter, let us know! Rated T for now, but may change depending on the weather. Always remember that anything is possible.
1. Ruby's Story Book

**Welcome to the first chapter of the maddest Ruby story you will ever see. This will likely have no relation to any of the other chapters further down the road, but who knows. We make this up as we go, don't you know. If you think of anything you would like to see me try my hand at writing, and see the characters of RWBY deal with, then go ahead and suggest it. Anything could be accepted, depending on whether or not I can do it.**

**And so, without any further... stuff. I give you Team RWBY!**

* * *

**Ruby's Little Fairy Tale**

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who wore a red hood and cape. The people of her village called her Little Red Hood, or Little Red for short. Some people called her Little Red Riding Hood, but seriously, where does 'riding' come into this? Nowhere, that's where.

Anyway, one day she was traveling to her grandmother's place with a basket of delicious cookies. After a few minutes of walking, she came to a fork in the road. Why anyone would leave a fork in the middle of the road, she didn't know, so she picked up the fork and put it in her basket. Looking up, she also noticed that the road split into two separate paths.

Little Red put her hands on her hips and frowned. "Which way should I go?" She said.

A voice came from above her, saying. "That way is a good choice!"

Rub- I mean Little Red looked up and saw a lovely lady with long golden locks of hair. She had a wooden pole stuck up the back of her shirt and caught on the collar. She was pointing down the right-hand path.

Without warning, the lady pointed the other direction. "That way's pretty good too!"

Little Red shrugged and started walking down the left path.

Suddenly the lady pointed both ways. "Of course, people do use both roads."

Little Red couldn't let that one go, so she turned to the goldi-locked lady. "How could you say something so ridiculous? Who could ever use both roads? You would have to be able to split into two separate yous."

The lady shrugged. "Fair enough. I lied. Nobody uses the left road."

Little Red nodded triumphantly. "Then I'll go left." She stopped and looked back up at the lady. "How on Earth did you get stuck up there?"

Having misheard, the lady asked a question of her own. "Stuck up their what? And what's Earth?"

Little Red sighed in defeat. "Have you no brain, lady?"

The lady just smiled. "Nope! That's how I got stuck up here. I was climbing this tree, but then I realized it wasn't a tree so I turned around to climb down. That's when my shirt got caught on it. I've been stuck up here since then."

Realizing the lady's distress, Little Red just had to help. She hopped over to the pole and chopped it down. You may be wondering how she chopped it down. Well, don't interrupt the story.

After the lady dusted herself off, they both set out on the left hand road that led into the forest. As they walked through the forest, they found a beautiful young lady sleeping under an apple tree. Her skin was white as snow, as was her hair. Wasting no time, Little Red kissed her on the mouth to wake her up.

She woke up immediately and pushed Little Red away from her. She shouted at Little Red. "I am Snow White, and I demand you take me to the wizard right this moment!"

The golden-haired brainless lady piped up. "The Wizard of Oz?"

Snow White rolled her eyes. "No, Dumbledore."

Little Red jumped up. "What about Merlin? He's the most powerful wizard of them all!"

Snow White jumped out onto the road. "Whatever! Let's just go! I need him to give me a heart!"

"You don't have a heart?" Little Red asked.

The pale girl just stared at her. "No."

Shrugging it off, Little Red and Snow White began walking down the road with the blond brainless lady trailing behind them. Eventually, they came upon a dark part of the forest. None of them knew that this part of the forest was full of dangerous animals, but they all suspected it anyway.

The brainless blond lady, who had brainlessly forgotten to introduce herself, wondered out loud to herself. "I wonder what kinds of dangerous animals live in these woods."

Little Red shrugged. "Bears."

"Ooh..." She said.

Snow White frowned. "Lions."

"Aah... and Tigers?" She asked.

Snow White glared at her. "Don't be ridiculous! Tigers don't live in this part of the world."

"Well, then what about kittens?"

Snow White didn't see any problem with that concept. "Well, I suppose... not Tiger kittens, but other kittens. Like... panther kittens, maybe."

"How about kittens who've lost their mittens?"

Snow White and Little Red looked at her, confused until she pointed behind them. When they looked, sure enough there was a little black kitten who was wearing no mittens, though Snow White and Little Red questioned whether or not this kitten had ever even possessed mittens. However, she was too busy chasing three blind mice to notice the girls who were all watching her.

After a few minutes of waiting and watching, Snow White grew impatient. "HEY YOU!"

The kitten spun around to see them, then immediately turned completely invisible except for her eyes and her mouth. They thought her a strange sight at first, but on closer inspection, they found that the kitten had a bandage on her forehead. Little Red approached the kitten and waited for her to turn visible before reaching out and peeling the bandage off, revealing a crescent moon shape.

Snow White grew impatient again, and addressed the kitten directly. "Who are you?"

":33 Who am I?" Said the kitten. ":33 I'm a purrty cowardly Cheshire kitty! But what's more impurrtant is that you are Sailo-

* * *

Weiss slammed the book closed and glared at Ruby. "Well, I'm done here."

Blake poked her finger at the book. "Was I being portrayed as the Cowardly Lion and the Cheshire Cat at the same time?"

Yang nodded to her. "And Nepeta from Homestuck."

Weiss rolled her eyes. "And Luna from Sailor Moon."

Ruby pouted. "You didn't even get to the part where Weiss turns out to be the White Witch..."

Weiss reacted in utter disgust at the thought. "You made me the Wicked Witch? Wait, does that mean Blake eats me at the end?"

Ruby shook her head. "No, Blake eats the ogre after tricking it into turning into a mouse with red shorts."

Weiss tossed the book over her shoulder, ignoring the fact that Blake caught it. "Whatever. I'm never touching that book again."

Ruby sulked. "But you didn't even get to the part with the Knights of the Round Table and Sonic the Hedgehog."

"You're portraying me as a heartless witch!" Weiss threw her arms in the air in frustration. "It's degrading to my status!"

Yang looked up from where she was trying to read further from over Blake's shoulder. "I thought it was pretty accurate."

Weiss snorted at Yang. "She portrayed you as a brainless retard."

Yang looked back at the book in Blake's hands. "What? I didn't notice that..."

Suddenly, Blake slammed the book shut. "Okay, I'm done. I draw the line at Carebears and Lassy." Before Yang or Ruby could object, Blake opened the window and tossed the book into the night. She nodded triumphantly at her handiwork. "Now that that's out of the way, purrhaps we can all go to bed."

Blake bounced her eyebrows. Ruby stifled a giggle. Yang didn't stifle anything.

Weiss cringed and thought to herself. "The next chapter had better not continue in this direction, or I quit school."

* * *

**And for my closing statement, I would like to say only this. HoNk!**


	2. Let's Break His!

Nora shot out of her seat. "Ooh! Let's break his legs!" There was silence at the table as everyone quietly looked around uncomfortably.

Then, Blake closed her book and set it down. "Cool. I'm in."

Pyrrha nodded. "Me too."

Yang shrugged. "Let's do this."

Ruby held up a finger. "Let me finish my cookies, then I'm with you."

Ren rested his head in his hands. "Why must you encourage her?"

* * *

"Ooh! Let's steal his Pokemons!"

Yang burst out laughing, while Blake explained to Nora. "That's a rather childish thing to do, only topped by how childish it would be to actually have Pokemon games at Beacon."

Weiss shot up and slammed her hands on the table, glaring at Blake. "That's not true!" Realizing that everyone was now staring at her, Weiss sat back down. "I mean... uh... yeah. Pokemon is for kids. Um... go team Jacob?"

Everyone was still staring at her. Pyrrha frowned. "Get away from us. Like, right now."

* * *

"Ooh! Let's post mean things about him on Twitter!"

Jaune sighed and shook his head. "I already tried that. It doesn't do anything. He doesn't check Twitter."

"Well, what does he do online?"

Pyrrha put her hand on Nora's shoulder and pulled her back down. "Cardin's the kind of guy who doesn't really use the internet that much, Nora."

A look of understanding appeared on Nora's face. "Oh... then let's post mean things about him on trees!"

"No."

"How about on the walls of the school?"

"Nora..."

"Yes?"

"No."

* * *

"Ooh! Let's blarg him in the honk honk!"

Yang blinked at Nora. "What in the what now?"

Everyone then stared at Nora until the next class started.

* * *

**Notes:** Yes, I know this one was short, but I really couldn't think of any more. Next time, however, will be different. Movie parodies.


	3. Movies and Games

**Ruby Makes A Movie**

Ruby was bouncing around the room, filled to the brim with ideas. These ideas were spilling over onto her teammates, who were for the most part eager to receive them. Blake and Yang were the most part. Weiss was not. What ideas were these? Well...

"We could get everyone around the school to help us film the movie! I'm sure there's plenty of people who would love the chance to be actors!"

That's right. Ruby wanted to make a movie. She had the video camera. She had the will. She just needed people who were willing to help her make it happen. Well... there was one other thing she needed, but she was already hot on the trail of one.

"So, how about this idea? A story about three brave heroes on a ship, hunting down a dangerous man-eating shark!"

Yang shook her head. "I like it, but where do we get a shark?"

Blake added her own piece. "And it's been done."

Ruby jumped up and down, already having another idea. "We can do a zombie movie. We can call it... Jaune Of The Dead! Of course, Jaune will be our lead actor!"

Yang shook her head again. "Ruby, zombies have been done to death."

Blake smirked. "And back again."

Ruby jumped on top of her bed and stared down at the two of them. "Well, then how about this? An asteroid is headed for Vytal."

Blake held up a finger. "I saw that movie. It hits Vale."

Still going strong, Ruby tossed out another idea. "Then how about a volcano erupts in the middle of the city?"

Yang scratched the back of her head, starting to think it wasn't a good idea. "I don't know that we'd be able to get permission for that."

Ruby held up her hands, calling for silence. "Okay, okay... I got it. You ready for this?" Blake and Yang nodded, though they had their doubts. Ruby jumped off her bed and landed between them, then stood straight with one hand on her hip and the other pointed skyward. "Beacon Academy Musical!"

That was the last straw for Weiss. She stood up and grabbed Ruby by the collar, dragging her to the door and tossing her out. She slammed the door shut, then turned two Blake and Yang. "Anyone else want to make a musical?" They could tell that saying yes might very well be fatal, so they simply shook their heads silently. Weiss nodded in triumph. "I'm glad balance has been restored to the brain to Human ratio in this room."

Meanwhile, across the hall, team JNPR listened intently to Ruby's plans for their great silver screen debut. Everything was going to go perfectly, and no dusty heiress was going to get in Ruby's way.

* * *

And now...

**RWBY Games**

Let's see how the girls of RWBY play video games, and which video games they play.

**Ruby**

When playing, you are part of the game. You are the character you control. When they win, you win. When they lose, you lose. When they die, you die. Play as if your very life is at stake.

Ruby Rose runs through the remains of the alien ship, the reanimated bodies of her fallen comrades and foes alike chasing her after being mutated by the alien parasite. She reloads her assault rifle as she runs, quickly ducking into a corner. The Flood will be on her soon.

Hearing their approach, Ruby grabs a flame grenade off her belt and readies it. She dodges out of her hiding place and tosses the incendiary, setting fire to three of the howling horde. More Flood blindly run through the flames, quickly collapsing to the ground in smoldering heaps.

One of the creatures leaps over the fire, swinging their long tentacled limb at Ruby's head. Her shields take the attack, but are heavily damaged in the process. She jumps back and fires her rifle into the combat form, blasting it's head and arms off. Another enemy falls, but the screeches all around her tell Ruby that the game is far from won.

So she runs. She runs and shoots down anything that gets in her path. Her objective is just in the next room. She's almost there when a Flood combat form wielding a rocket launcher fires at her, blasting away her shields and sending her flying into the wall. Ruby has fallen in battle.

Ruby jumps up from the couch, dropping her controller. "No! I was so close!" She ignores the game's respawning, falling to her knees in anguish and defeat. "I almost had it this time! CURSE YOU ROCKET FLOOD!"

* * *

**Weiss**

When playing, you are being challenged at an intellectual level by a mere programmed collection of ones and zeros. When you lose, you've been made a fool of. When you win, you have beaten the odds. Play as if your honor is at stake.

Weiss Schnee stepped from the path and into the tall grass. She had always ignored the warnings to avoid doing so, and always would. She was here to get something, and she wouldn't leave without it. As expected, a bird flew out of the grass and made to attack. A wild Pidgey appeared.

Weiss was ready, of course. She pulled a small red and white ball out of her bag and threw it at the ground. "Go get him, Charmander!" Out of the ball came a little orange lizard with a flame at the tip of it's tail. Weiss was proud to be the master of such a creature.

The battle had begun. Pidgey tried to attack Weiss' little dragon, but missed. Now it was Weiss' turn to move. "Alright! Charmander, use burn!" The Charmander did as commanded, shooting fire at the bird. The effect was far greater than Weiss could have hoped, and the Pidgey fainted.

Weiss jumped up from her seat, pumping her fist in the air. "Victory!"

Ruby blinked at her, somewhat confused. "You only started playing that a few minutes ago."

* * *

**Blake**

When playing, you have a freedom that is entirely unavailable in the real world. When you die, you come back to life. When you kill, you are easily forgiven. Nothing can trap you or catch you. Play as if this freedom is deserved.

Blake Belladonna ran through the woods in the dark of the night, a flashlight in one hand and three crumpled up pieces of paper in the other. If she understood the situation correctly, there was another five pages to collect.

She stopped outside an old deserted-looking building to catch her breath. She stepped into the building and walked through the dark tiled hallway. A few corners later, she found another door that led back outside. She was about to open the door when she noticed another piece of paper on the wall beside her.

Blake grabbed the piece of paper and crumpled it up with the others. She wasn't absolutely sure they were important, but she felt compelled to get all of them. Taking a moment longer to prepare herself for another long run, she briefly glanced behind her.

That was a big mistake. He was right there, tall and thin, his face pale and featureless. Soon, his face was all she could see among the static.

Blake jumped out of the computer chair and across the room, hiding herself under her blanket and screaming. "THE HORROR! THE HORROR!"

* * *

**Yang**

When playing, you must keep entertainment as your one goal. Win or lose, live or die, you should never stop playing until it is no longer fun. Play as if it is a game, for that is what it is.

Yang Xiao Long rested back in her chair, letting the time pass. Let the others spend their time wrestling with their games. Yang could go to sleep, and she would still progress in her favorite game. Her toils were simple and fruitful.

Sensing that she had waited long enough, Yang nudged the mouse. The screen saver flicked off, revealing her game. She frowned at what she saw. Her apple trees were ready, but all her carrots had been left far too long. They had all rotted away.

She didn't like it, but she knew that she now had to dig up all the dead carrots and plant new ones. She sighed. "Guess I'm gonna be here a bit longer than I expected."

Before Yang could successfully begin planting her new batch of carrots, Weiss jumped out behind her and smacked her across the back of the head with a suitcase. Yang tumbled out of the chair and away from the computer, yelping in surprise.

Weiss stood over her, glaring down at her with disdain. "Stop playing Farmville, you absent schnook!"

* * *

**Author's note: By the way, if anyone wants to see Jaune Of The Dead, I can do that too. Also, expect more RWBY Games in the future. There are plenty of games, and these girls will react to them.**


	4. Jaune Of The Dead

Jaune shuffled through the halls of Beacon, dragging his feet as much as he could. All around him were students and professors of Beacon acting in much the same way. Every now and again, Nora's head would hit Jaune's back, reminding him how closely she was following him.

He spotted the door he was looking for and shuffled over to it, glad that it was still closed. He stood right at the door so that no one would notice his hands working at the lock. As soon as he slipped the key in and turned it, he swung the door open.

Nora, Ren, Pyrrha, and Velvet rushed into Professor Port's classroom. Jaune hurried in after them, closing the door as quickly as possible. He wasn't quite fast enough, and one of the others wandering around the halls managed to jam themselves in the way.

Jaune pulled the door as hard as he could, yelling to his teammates. "Someone get this guy!"

Reacting instantly, Pyrrha ran up and kicked them in the face. They fell back into the hall, allowing Jaune to close the door. Finally, they had a moment of peace to figure out where they stood. Jaune slid down with his back to the door and looked around at the few people who had managed to survive.

Pyrrha sat down beside him. "Alright, Jaune. We're here. Now what?"

Nora opened a closet near Professor Port's desk. "There's a lot of stuff stored in here! We've got food!"

Velvet, who was looking through the closet with Nora, found something else of interest. She pulled out the small object and turned it on. "Alright! This'll help pass the time!"

Ren glanced at it questioningly. "You're going to play video games while everyone in the school is trying to eat us?"

She looked to the door Jaune and Pyrrha were sitting against. "They're not getting in and we're not getting out any time soon. We got nothing else to do."

Pyrrha stood up and got everyone's attention. "But what happens when they do get in? We were caught completely off guard! We don't have any of our weapons with us!"

Nora looked up from the closet. "Can we even fight them? I know they're all zombies and everything, but-"

"Don't say that word."

Everyone looked to Jaune. Nora's eyebrow arched. "Don't say what word?"

Jaune stood up, keeping his back to the door. "The... the 'z' word. Don't say it."

Velvet paused her game. "The 'z' word? You mean 'zombie'?"

Jaune flinched. "Don't say it!"

"Why not?" Her finger was hovering over the pause button dramatically, as if anyone else cared if she played the game.

Jaune threw his hands in the air. "Because it's ridiculous!"

Pyrrha snapped her fingers in Jaune's ear. "More importantly, we're defenseless. What do we use as weapons?"

Velvet pointed up above everyone's heads and Professor Port's weapon that was mounted on the wall. "The Professor always keeps it loaded, so we've at least got something."

Jaune shook his head. "Sorry, but I doubt he really keeps it loaded."

Velvet nodded. "Yes he does! Yang told me that Professor Port always keeps his weapon loaded."

Jaune was getting frantic. "Yang also says that Beowolves can't look up!"

"They bloody can't!"

"Of course they can!"

"Jaune! Velvet!" Pyrrha called attention from the two. "Shouldn't we at least check?"

Velvet dropped her arms to her side. "I hardly think now is the time. Besides, where are we gonna get a Beowolf in the middle of a zombie invasion?"

Jaune flailed his arms wildly. "Stop calling them zombies!"

Before any further argument could be made, there was the sound of splintering wood as the zombies in the hall pulled the door apart. They all scrambled away from the door just as the horde pulled the wooden wreckage aside. Jaune turned to face the horde, seeing the tall figure leading the charge.

"Guess we get to break his legs now." Nora cheered happily.

Jaune watched in horror as a zombified Cardin headed straight for him. "Uh, I think there's still some of him left in there."

Behind him, Pyrrha was frantically looking for an escape. "How do you know, Jaune?"

"Well, cause he's staring right at me like he wants to rip me in half."

BANG

Zombie Cardin fell over, and every head in the room turned to the source of the sound. Velvet stood on Professor Port's desk, wielding the blunderbuss ax. She looked over to Jaune pointedly. "Told you he keeps it loaded."

Jaune shrugged. "Fine. Toss it here." She did so, and he caught the weapon and aimed it at another zombie, adding commentary as he fired. "But Beowolves can look up."

A few shots later, with the others all crowded behind him and the zombies closing in, Jaune spotted something out in the hall. Four bright streaks of color flew past, followed by a wake of zombie pieces. From out in the hall, they heard someone shout.

"Hey ho! Survivors back there!"

Moments later, the room was cleared of zombies in a whirlwind of fire, ice, and rose petals. Then, standing in front of them and posing like they were the main cast of an anime, were Ruby, Weiss, and Yang.

Ruby saluted happily. "Zombie removal service has arrived!"

Weiss rolled her eyes. "Stop calling them that, Ruby. That word is ridiculous."

Yang squinted at the five other survivors in front of her, then laughed. "So what are you supposed to be? Team JNPRV?" She looked over at her teammates. "Get it? As in 'Juniperv'?"

Weiss slumped over in dismay. "Yang, please shut up."

Pyrrha stepped forward, looking behind the three girls. "Um... where's Blake?"

Team RWY looked at each other uncomfortably before Yang answered. "Yeah... she, uh... well, the last we saw her, she was running out of the room yelling 'my ninjas'."

Weiss added her own bit. "We think she might be unstable."

Suddenly, the whole school shook from an impact. Yang grabbed Myrtenaster and stabbed it into the ground to hold herself steady, ignoring the fact that this caused Weiss to fall down. She looked around. "What the heck was that?"

Pyrrha looked to Jaune. "What is it? More zombies?"

Jaune shook his head. He had a bad feeling. "Worse."

* * *

**Maybe perhaps sometime in the near-to-distant future, if you want it and I can do it, a sequel to this chapter! Are you ready for this?**

**Jaune Of The Flood**  
**Coming soon**  
**Maybe**

**If you have any suggestions, feel free to let me know. I've already got plenty of ideas for things to do, but I intend to keep this going forever.**


	5. Blake's Bow 1

**Framing Weiss**

* * *

Ruby held the camera up and turned the screen around so she could see what she looked like. She fixed her hair and smiled at the camera in her hand. It was time to begin.

"Hi, I'm Ruby Rose! I absolutely love..." She reached off-screen and pulled her weapon into view. "Crescent Rose! She's my baby!"

Ruby then turned the camera around to face her friend and partner, Weiss. The white-haired girl glared at her. "What do you want from me?"

"Just introduce yourself. Say your name, and then say something about yourself."

Weiss shrugged. "Alright, fine... My name is Weiss Schnee, and I'm the heiress of the Schnee Dust Company." She looked to Ruby. "You can go bother someone else now."

"But you're supposed to say something about yourself!"

"I did! You want something else, then here!" She looked back at the camera. "My name is Weiss Schnee and my partner may or may not have misplaced her brain, depending on whether or not she had one to misplace."

Ruby turned the camera back around so that it was facing her. "Yeah, so that's Weiss. She doesn't understand video, so now you know something about her."

The camera then turned to a dark-haired girl who was busy reading a book. Two violet cat ears twitched freely on top of her head. She had caught on to Ruby's mission, and was willing to cooperate immediately. Putting her book down for a moment, she smiled at the camera.

"Hello. My name is Blake Belladonna, and I'm totally the most serious person here. Ever." With that, she returned to her book.

Ruby didn't question it and simply moved up to the bunk above Blake's where Yang was sprawled out and drooling. The blond was sleeping, and therefor not much to interview. Fortunately, Blake offered assistance.

"Here, I'll wake her up." Instead of any normal means, however, Blake took her ribbon and dragged it across Yang's face. Still asleep, Yang reacted by slapping at the offending ribbon. Unfortunately, someone had seen fit to cover Yang's hand with a full tube's worth of Shi-nee toothpaste.

Blake ducked back into her own bunk and promptly fell asleep. Ruby was stunned, and when she finally snapped back to reality she found herself looking into the toothpaste-covered face of an angry Yang.

"I'ma gonna kill you!"

Ruby ducked out of the way as Yang launched forward, but was surprised to find that she wasn't the target. The real target, dressed in a white nightgown, ran out the door and down the hallway screaming. An enraged Yang charged off after Weiss, leaving Ruby completely speechless.

By the time the two returned, Ruby had already uploaded the video to the internet for all to see.

* * *

**And now, a message from a cast member to hold you over until 'Jaune Of The Dead 2: Nora's Arc' is ready.**

Dear fans,

While I admire all the attention I've been getting here on FF, I have to say that I'm not all pleased about it. To put it simply; Ruby's not my type, she's too young for me, and she's far too annoying for me to ever consider romantically. I'm not even going to go into the fact that she's a girl, because you all seem set on the lot of us being all for f/f. I can pretty much guarantee that most of us are straight. Pyrrha and Blake? Well... that's a different story.

Sincerely, Weiss Schnee.

P.S. Here's your obligatory fanservice. Ruby's been nibbling on my ear since I started writing this, so I guess you can call her orientation into question as well. Whatever. FML. Weiss out.


	6. Immunity or Jaune Of The Dead 2

Yang's fiery aura burst forward, consuming the oncoming swarm. Ruby aimed Crescent Rose and fired multiple rounds, taking out the frontrunners of the next wave. When it seemed that they were far enough ahead, they turned and ran to catch up with the rest of the group. Besides them, there was also Weiss, the entirety of team JNPR, and Velvet Scarlatina.

When the zombie hordes had been all but defeated an alien ship crash-landed and unleashed a worse plague. These creatures were called the flood. The smaller infection forms swarmed over people and zombies alike, turning them into the larger combat forms. The small group barely made it out of Beacon alive.

Jaune looked to the survivors, and they looked to him. He held up a finger. "One second. I need to survey the area."

They were in the backyard of a home in some rural area of Vale. There had obviously been children in this home at some point, as there was a swing set and a slide in the yard. Jaune climbed the three steps to the top of the slide and looked around, shielding his eyes from the sun. What he saw was disheartening.

Stepping back to the ground, he met the hopeful gaze of his friends. Velvet's eyes were wide, showing how frightened she was. "Are there many?"

He nodded. "Yup. Lots."

At the back, Yang glanced at her arm and exclaimed, "Oh, hey, looks like I've been bit."

Everyone suddenly gasped in horror. Ruby rushed over to her sister and embraced her. "No! You can't be bit! Why does it have to be you?" She broke down sobbing.

Yang patted her sister's head. "Ruby… it's just a Mosquito bight. It's nothing to cry over."

Ruby jumped back. "A Mosquito bight!? Why you…!"

"Guys… little help here."

All eyes turned to see… a walking pile of infection forms.

Yang jumped into action, firing Ember Celica and blasting away all the disgusting little balls of mutation. Underneath the creatures she found a pristine and untouched Blake Belladonna. The Faunus girl just watched them as they all stared at her in disbelief.

Blake shrugged. "I think I'm immune. That's all I got."

Ruby pumped her fist in the air. "Yeah! Team RWBY is back together!"

Weiss looked Blake up and down. "So… did you save your… ninjas?"

Blake narrowed her eyes at Weiss. "That's none of your business."

Jaune called everyone's attention back to the situation at hand. "Hey guys? We have zombies and stuff to deal with."

Weiss turned to Jaune. "Stop using that word!"

Yang rolled her eyes. "You know what? I think I'm gonna go shake some hands with those infection forms. It would be more productive than this."

Everyone turned to look at Yang, then froze. Ruby tried to speak as calmly as possible. "Uh… Yang? There's something on your head."

Yang stopped. "What is it, like, a spider? Get it off."

Being ever so helpful, Nora answered for everyone. "Nope! Looks more like a crab."

CHOMP

Ruby looked on the verge of crying. "Um… Yang?"

Yang turned around, revealing that the Headcrab had been unable to succeed in its attack because of her massive amount of hair. The creature was simply hanging off the back of her head, having completely failed at its life goal. Yang reached up and pulled it off, holding out for all to see.

After a moment of silence, Yang just laughed. "Cute. I think I'll call it Daisy."

Weiss fainted.

* * *

**Author's Note: There will be a third part somewhere down the road consisting of a Half Life 2 parody, possibly with a crowbar that turns into a gravity gun. Also, I had another idea and maybe next chapter or something we'll see who Ruby's father might be! Now, if anyone has any suggestions please tell me in a review, or maybe a PM. I'll gladly do any that are within my ability.**

**Tell me what you think. Would Yang be immune to Headcrabs because her hair is simply too big? Should Blake be immune to the Flood virus? Is it because she's a Faunus?**


	7. The Guardians Of Tomorrow

**Team RWBY and friends are in class today. Have you ever wondered what was going through their heads?**

* * *

**Ruby**

Weiss looks really focused. That usually means she's angry. She could explode at any moment. The teacher's already started his lecture, so it's too late to check the windows. I'll have to take the chance that they're not too thick and that the ground isn't too far down. Should I take a little extra time and try to aim for a tree or should I just jump out as quickly as possible. Oh well, do or die. Looks like she's about to blow. Sorry for abandoning you to this fate everyone, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Alright, here we go... three... two... one... go! Nothing happened... am I safe? Should I still go? If I wait any longer Weiss'll kill me for sure. Oh no, I have no idea what to do.

* * *

**Weiss**

Look at her, sitting there squirming. I bet she feels it too. Don't worry Ruby. After classes end today, I will tell you. I love you and I always will, my adorable little princess in red. I will make you mine. If Yang doesn't like it, she can go jump in a lake. ...No! I can't do it! What if she thinks I'm creepy? What if she runs away? No, I can't think like that. She has to love me back. She has to! I'll do it! Right after class!

* * *

**Jaune**

Weiss looks marvelous today. Her hair is just beautiful the way she does it up. Too bad she'd probably kill me if I told her. Ruby looks quite good too. Such a cute little girl... but I could never really consider her romantically. Not really. Blake, on the other hand. Now there's a catch. If only I knew what to say to someone like her. Skipping over Yang. Velvet, you veritable princess. She's so much more approachable than the others. She's the one. Yes... Velvet is my future queen. Oh, wait, what of this fine specimen of dangerous beauty that sits beside my very self? Pyrrha. Oh, you're just perfect.

* * *

**Pyrrha**

I hope nobody notices the little smear in my makeup just above my eyelash. I think Jaune's the only one close enough to see it, but I can't be sure he'll notice. Curses. He would never notice if he was on my other side. Why must you always sit at my left, Jaune. Oh well, it's just another twenty minutes before class is dismissed. I can hold out that long. Oh no. He's looking at me! It's okay, Pyrrha. Calm down. It won't change his opinion of you. Besides, it's not like he'd ever think of me as more than a friend. Although, I guess I should ask him before I just assume he's gay...

* * *

**Nora**

Yes! Yes! YES! Bestow upon me your sacred knowledge of the economic history of Vacuo, Professor Oobleck! I am your willing student. Give me the knowledge, and I shall use it with my every living breath to defend the world from the evils of another monetary collapse with the assistance of my trusty super hammer! With the wisdom passed down from you to me of the power of the simple distribution of goods the world over, we will safeguard the future from all injustices! Forever!

* * *

**Ren**

Stay still, Nora. Don't do anything stupid. Alright... good, my Nora suppression pack is still ready. Let's go over the supply manifest again. One roll of duct tape... check. One bag of triple chocolate cookies for bait... check. Minimum of three bottles of chloroform... check, check, and triple check. Defibrillator for unlucky bystanders harmed in the process of Nora capture... check. Wait... oh, okay. I thought I had lost the inflatable cage for a moment there. Close call.

* * *

**Velvet**

Foolish Humans. I will climb the ranks inside your schools until I am the best and most noteworthy. Once I am the most powerful within these walls, I will begin my plan to take over Vale. Next, I will spread my forces to all of Vytal, and then the entire world! Ouch! What was that? Who threw that balled up piece of paper? Oh... Winchester. Only he would be cunning enough to know when to interrupt my scheming. He's on to me, I know, but even he can't hope to stand against me once I've finished my super weapon! Then the world is mine!

* * *

**Cardin**

Heh heh... bunny ears.

* * *

**Blake**

...steaming hot spaghetti with sweet tomato sauce and little bits of hamburger mixed in. Then I'll smother the whole thing in warm Parmesan cheese. Save a little bit of the cheese, of course. I have to add that to the salad. Mix the Parmesan in with the ranch dressing and it'll have a nice texture to it. Add that to the freshly cut crisp lettuce leaves. Some small bacon bits and medium sized croutons should make the perfect salad, yes... Gotta remember to memorize Weiss' flan recipe so I can jot it down in my cookbook in private. My teammates... even if they found my cookbook, they would never be able to understand it. Who would guess that the little ninjas of love are my own two hands who come together to create the greatest love of all; that of the kitchen. Purrrr...

* * *

**Yang**

Okay... so I'm left with figuring out the voice casting for this animation project. Who would do good for the characters...? Ruby can do the voice for Lindsay. Blake could do the voice for Arryn, no problem. I might be able to convince Weiss to voice Kara, so then I just have Barbara. Well, I could voice Barbara. She is designed after me. Oh, Ren, your story idea is absolutely awesome, and Jaune wrote out some great scripts. This is gonna be a major hit!

* * *

**Author's note: This may be the first time I've depicted someone other than Yang as the completely brainless one.**

**Just Saiyan. (Yang pun)**


	8. Cross That Bridge

**Crossing The Bridge**

Eight pairs of feet trudged through the underbrush of the thick forest. Their trail had led them miles away from any signs of civilization. It was something that was starting to get on the nerves of a few of them.

"Ruby, if we were going the right way, we would have found the cliffs by now!"

The red-caped fearless leader of the group turned around and stuck her tongue out at her partner. "I know where we're going, Weiss. Don't worry."

Yang called out from the back of the group. "It's been two days, Ruby. I think we've officially failed our 'first step'."

Blake glanced back at her own partner. "Hmm... I guess that means we won't be attending Beacon after all."

Yang held up her hand, staring at the little gold-colored Chess piece in the shape of a horse. "Well, then I suppose we won't need these... screw it, I'm keeping this."

Jaune, who was wandering around somewhere in the middle of the group with Pyrrha, just tossed his Chess piece over his shoulder. "Why did I even bother coming here when I was just going to get lost before my first class?"

Pyrrha patted Jaune on the shoulder. "Hey, cheer up. We'll find a way out of this."

Ren and Nora walked past them, with Ren speaking just loudly enough that everyone could hear. "And what if we don't? What if we find ourselves wandering aimlessly for weeks?"

From the front, Ruby called back in answer to his question. "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

A moment later, they came out of the forest and on to a rocky plane. Not far away, they could see a massive gorge with a single bridge across it. They all stopped and stared in awe at the gorge.

Weiss wondered out loud. "I wonder if that bridge has seen use in the past hundred years."

Ruby shrugged. "I don't care. We'll cross it when we get to it. Fair enough?"

They all nodded in agreement, then started walking towards the bridge. When they reached it, an old man appeared and blocked their way. He stared at them with a look of overzealous derision. They returned with a wide variety of looks, ranging from Jaune's total terror and Nora's innocent amusement to Weiss' disgusted irritation and Blake's complete apathy.

The man spoke. "If you wish to cross this bridge, you must first answer three questions."

Weiss held up her hand. "Is that three questions for all of us, or three per person?"

He grinned evilly. "Each of you must answer three questions. And if you fail... you will be flung into this bottomless ravine."

The stage was set. They knew that it was their only way out, as they could even see the tall buildings of a city in the distance beyond the gorge. They had to answer the man's questions, then cross the bridge. The question now was... who would go first?

Nora stepped forward, bouncing excitedly. The man looked bemused. "You would dare to challenge my wit?"

Nora nodded enthusiastically. "Yup!"

Ren called after her. "Nora! NO!"

The man grinned again, looking very wicked. "I must warn you. None have passed my test. Do you really think a simpleton like you can answer all three of my questions?"

Nora bit her tongue, considering his words carefully. Ruby called out. "Don't do it, Nora!"

Nora nodded again. "Sure I'm sure!"

Weiss berated her. "You idiot! It's a trick! His questions will be unsolvable riddles!"

The man looked to Nora. "Very well, then. What... is your name?"

There was a moment of silence, and everyone realized with a hint of pain that Nora seemed to be thinking very hard about the question. Then she answered.

"Nora Valkyrie!" The man nodded, but before he could ask his next question Nora had started across the bridge, running like a madwoman. "THREE FOR THREE! I WIN AT LIFE!"

Weiss stared after the redhead. "You mean to tell me that those first two questions counted?" The man shrugged and nodded. Weiss threw her arms up in the air. "They were warnings!"

Ruby stepped forward proudly. "If Nora can do it, we all can."

"All right then, but I shall not make the same mistake." The man cleared his throat. "What... is your name?"

Yang shook her head. "If she gets this one wrong, she deserves what she gets."

Ruby nodded knowingly. "Ruby Rose!"

"What... is your favorite color?"

"Blue!"

Everyone, including the old man, stood in silence and waited to see Ruby be launched into the abyss. Nothing happened. The man shrugged. "What... is your voice actor's name?"

"Lindsay Tuggey!"

"Very well, you may pass." Ruby bowed politely and walked across.

Weiss snorted and stepped forward. "Well, this should be easy." She held up her hand to stop the man from asking his questions. "Just a guess. Weiss Schnee, the color white, and Kara Eberle. Suck it."

"You have to let me ask the questions first."

She growled. "Fine, but make it snappy."

"What... is your partner's name?"

"Wei-" Weiss stopped herself just in time. "Uh... Ruby Rose." She glanced behind her at the others, starting to wonder if this was a good idea.

"What... is your partner's weapon's name?"

Weiss froze. She had heard Ruby say her weapon's name before. She was sure of it. She just had to remember what it was. Her head spun, trying to come up with the answer. Then, like magic, it came to her.

"Crescent Rose!"

"What... is your fetish?"

Weiss gasped, and she heard Yang laughing out loud behind her. Getting angry, Weiss stomped the ground. "I do not have a fetish!"

With a high-pitched scream, Weiss was launched into the abyss. Everyone suddenly gasped in horror, but the man just shook his head. He reassured them. "Technically, since it's a bottomless pit, she'll be fine. Who's next?"

Blake stepped forward. "I might as well go next."

Yang grabbed her hand. "But Blake! Do you even have a fetish?"

Blake looked back and winked. "You just wait and see." Then she turned to face the man.

The questions began. "What... is the number for the cell block in which Princess Liea was kept?"

"One-one-three-eight."

"What... is Weiss Schnee's secret fetish?"

"Faunus with cat ears covered in salsa."

"What... was the exact time when this scene was written?"

"Six minutes after four in the morning, Atlantic Time, on the fourth of December, in the year two thousand and thirteen."

"Very good. You may pass."

Emboldened by previous victories, Pyrrha stepped forward. "I accept the challenge!"

"What... is your name?"

"Pyrrha Nikos."

"What... is your favorite color?"

"Blue. I mean re-"

Pyrrha was launched through the air and into the abyss. The man looked to Yang. She stepped forward, readying herself for the questions.

"What... is your name?"

"Yang Xiao Long!"

And she too was tossed into the ravine. Jaune was next, beginning to fear for his life.

"What... is your name?"

"Uh... Jaune Arc?"

"What... is your favorite color?"

"Yellow...?"

"What... is your quest?"

"To search for the Holy Grail." He flinched, suddenly realizing that he had answered without thinking, having gotten caught up in the moment.

"Very well, you may also pass."

And then it came down to Ren. But before the man could ask any questions, Velvet Scarlatina appeared from out of the forest. She ran up to the man and kicked him in the shin. He hopped around in pain, then fell into the ravine. She turned to Ren.

"Now then, shall we proceed."

Ren just shrugged. "Alright. Whatever."

The six survivors later regrouped in the city and found out that they were the only students to survive the entrance trial, let alone retrieve artifacts. Jaune and Velvet soon fell in love and got married and had seven children. And they all lived happily ever after.

* * *

"What'cha writing there?"

Velvet blushed profusely and covered up the pages of her notebook. "Nothing!"

Jaune shrugged and walked off. "Alright. If you say so."

Velvet waited until she was sure he had gone, then looked over her work. She frowned and erased a bit. "Seven... no, we'll have twelve."


	9. Food Battles and Epic Meals

**Food Battle RWBY Edition!**

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Well, then I challenge you to prove it!"

"Bring it on, Blake!"

Blake stood at one end of the room, defiant in the face of her opponent. Across from her was none other than Team RWBY's fearless leader. The door opened between them, revealing Weiss and Yang.

Yang looked over to Ruby. "Uh... sis? What's going on?"

Blake jumped to answer before Ruby could respond. "This fiend thinks her inferior snack can defeat my glorious food!"

Yang shook her head, them asked Ruby again. "So, uh, what?"

"Blake thinks her stinky tuna is better than my chocolate chip cookies!"

Yang gasped, then glared at Blake. "Is this true?"

Blake laughed. "Ha ha ha! No snack food can stand up to the awesomeness of my tuna!"

Weiss groaned. "Oh, come off it! We can settle this once and for all. Just get four servings of each and we'll take a vote on which is better."

Ruby waved her off. "No! This is beyond the point where opinions can settle it! We must use sheer fact!"

Blake grasped her can of tuna, getting into a battle stance. "Then let's have at it!"

Ruby spun around and pointed at Blake, a cookie appearing from up her sleeve. "Blake, I challenge you and your tuna to a Food Battle!"

Yang grinned, saluting her team leader and little sister. "Me and Weiss will select the challenges!"

Weiss rested her face in the palm of her hand. "This is stupid."

The first challenge.

Yang stood on top of a table in the middle of the dining hall. "The first challenge is to see which snack will attract new friends! Go!"

It was lunchtime, and nearly all of Beacon's students were in the room, and now all of them were staring at Team RWBY. Weiss shrunk down in her seat while the other three stood above her.

Ruby started tossing cookies to all the nearby people she could see. "Free cookies to anyone who wants to be my friend!" As would be expected, many gathered around her. Ruby grinned triumphantly. "Bet your smelly old tuna can't do half this well, Blake!"

Yang cheered her sister on. "You're doing it! Hurray!"

"Don't count on it!"

Ruby and Yang looked over to Blake to receive a shock. Blake was sitting at the other end of the table, peeling open cans of tuna and placing them all around her. Swarming to her was an inexplicable crowd of cats, meowing and purring as they came. Blake pet their fuzzy heads as they ate up the tuna.

Yang cursed. "She's tied us on this round!"

Weiss shook her head. "This is stupid."

The second challenge.

They were back in Team RWBY's room, and now it was Weiss' turn to come up with a challenge. "I'm going to try for the reverse of Yang's challenge. Can your snack drive away people you don't like?"

Ruby thought about this for a second, then produced another cookie from up her sleeve. She then spun around, flinging the cookie straight at Weiss. It bounced off the heiress' forehead and hit the ground in a number of pieces.

Weiss grabbed her forehead. "Ow! Ruby!"

"Does that make you want to leave?"

Weiss looked up at Ruby. "What? No! Why did you...?"

Blake peeled open a can of tuna and held it over head, preparing to throw it at Weiss. "How about this? Does this make you want to leave?"

Weiss went even paler than normal. "NO! Don't throw the fish at me!" She turned and ran out the door. "This is stupid!"

The third challenge.

Yang had led Ruby and Blake up to the roof of Beacon. "This is where we retake the lead, Ruby! Your cookies have to win this one! My next challenge is..." She spun and pointed out over the courtyard in front of Beacon. "Using your snack as a parachute!"

Blake grinned fiendishly. "Hah! I'll defeat you both right here and now!" She raised her can of tuna high above her head. "Prepare to be amazed!"

CRACK

A bolt of lightning struck Blake, attracted to the can of tuna elevated above the school. A blackened Blake twitched, smoke coming off of her bow. She fell over, landing on her face with an audible splat.

Ruby laughed. "Now you watch as I soar to victory with my cookie parachute!" She ran to the edge of the roof and jumped off, holding a cookie over her head.

A few seconds passed before a splash came from below.

Weiss was waiting at the edge of the pool when Ruby climbed out. "I told you this was stupid."

Ruby shrugged it off. "I can't believe Blake's tuna still beat my cookie. I only have one victory, and she got two."

"Well, maybe what you need is an easier opponent to start with. Someone whose snack food could never beat your cookie."

Ruby looked up at Weiss. "Like what?"

"Like this!" Ruby looked up to see the girl standing in front of her. A green clump of plant matter was shoved into Ruby's face. "Do you dare to take on Nora Valkyrie and her broccoli?"

* * *

**Epic Meal Time with CRDL**

Welcome to Beacon Academy's kitchen. Ahead of you, you see Cardin Winchester and his team. They stand in front of the stove, their arms crossing their chests. Russel has a pair of reflective aviator glasses. On the table in front of them is a pile of ingredients.

Cardin, at the head of the group, would like to address you. "What up, internet? Team CRDL here! Today, we're making some *boop*ing Epic Ice Cream Marshmallow Sundaes! This is some serious crap. Let's get busy."

"First, we need to make the ice cream. That means we need some ice and some cream."

Sky pulls a large block of ice out of the freezer and places it on the floor. Cardin then steps forward and begins smashing away at the ice with his mace. Meanwhile, pulling his scariest face, Russel begins whipping up the cream. Dove scoops up a two handfuls of smashed ice and stuffs it into a blender, then Russel pours his freshly made whipped cream into the blender as well.

Cardin looks to the viewers. "This is where most people would put the lid on, but Russel got hungry last week and ate that."

He presses the button on the blender, holding it down as the blender does it's job while spraying it's contents all over the room. The others look on with approving looks.

Cardin holds up the blender cup, sloshing the contents around. "What's this? It's too *boop*ing soggy to use as ice cream. Do we give up?" They begin to stuff marshmallows into the blender. "No. We just add more unhealthy crap in order to make it more solid." Cardin presses the blender button back down, letting it finish it's job.

"Next, we prepare the topping. Special Beacon Academy bacon strips that we have dubbed... Beacon Strips."

Four stoves are used in this wondrous preparation, as all four boys cook up several pounds of sizzling reddish brown glory. When it is done, the air is filled with the smell of dead pig. Surely the halls are filled with students, mouths watering at the scent.

"Now we pour the ice cream into a large pan."

The strange ice, marshmallow, and whipped cream mix is poured into one of the metal pans that was just used for cooking bacon. It is then smoothed out, now ready for the anointment.

"And we add Beacon Strips... and Beacon Strips... and Beacon Strips." The entire pan is now covered by the Beacon Strips so that no one could see what was beneath them. "Now, because it's still technically liquid, we place the whole thing in the freezer until it isn't liquid anymore."

Velvet opened the freezer a month later to see a frozen monstrosity involving marshmallows and more bacon than she had ever hoped to see. She sighed to herself, already knowing who was responsible. "*boop*ing carnivores..."

* * *

**Author's Note: Next time, they eat the author.**


	10. The Oldest And Most Noble Of Challenges

**EPIC RAP BATTLES OF RWBY!**

**NORA VALKYRIE**

**VS**

**WEISS SCHNEE**

**BEGIN!**

**Nora**

"What up, heiress! It's me, the Valkyrie!

Everyone's favorite character in the whole series

I was fun from the start while you're the white witch

Let me go to the kitchen and make a sandwich

Cause you should eat something, girl, look you're so thin

And you'd probably burn in the sun with your pale white skin

And what's with your hair, are you like an albino?

Are you too good for this? Well I'm saying NO!

Go ahead and pull out your tiny little sword

Put that against Magnhild and we'll all just get bored

I could beat you with my fist till your mush on the ground

But I'd rather break your legs when I put the hammer down

You act like a princess, I think it's time for a coup

I could blow you away with a single BOOP!

I'm from Valhalla, down with Odin and Thor

It's right in my name, I'm inherently Norse

I heard about your "difficult childhood", but I thought you were rich

All you want is some love, and yet you act like a *****_rhymes with snitch_*****

The entire fanbase just wants to fork ya

Now I ride into the sunset on the back of my Norca!"

**Weiss**

"...Screw this. Your insane."

Ruby pops into the scene. "Weiss? Weiss, where you going? Wait! You have to fight back! Those are the rules!"

Yang walks in behind Ruby. "Yeah, I think this battle is over. Nora left too."

Ruby sniffles. "But it's supposed to be two whole verses per person..."

"Well, maybe you should have made sure that the people you chose for it both knew the rules and actually wanted to battle." Yang shrugs. "Besides, who wants to hear Weiss try to rap anyways?"

Ruby nods. "Yeah, I guess you're right." And they walked off together, trying to figure out how to make a better rap battle.

Blake enters the scene and breaks the fourth wall, talking to the audience. "That is a good question though. How many of our readers do want to hear Weiss rap?"

* * *

**BONUS ROUND!**

**JAUNE ARC**

**VS**

**DEATH STALKER**

**BEGIN**

**Jaune**

"Wait, what!?"

Jaune finds himself facing the giant Grimm scorpion. The Death Stalker looks down at him. "**What up, little chicken? You wanna step to me, I'ma bust a stinger in yo scrawny white boy tushy.**"

Jaune promptly faints.


	11. RWBY Present Exchange

Team RWBY gathered happily around the Christmas tree, ready for some holiday spirited gifting. The air was filled with joy and happiness, and even Weiss was smiling. The tree had been decorated with various ornaments such as colorful glass balls and shining strands of tinsel. It had started with a dozen candy canes, but they were all gone now. You can thank Ruby for that.

It was time for presents, and the first one was for Ruby. It was a small box wrapped in white paper covered in snowflake patterns. She looked to Weiss. "Aww, you shouldn't have."  
Weiss shrugged. "Probably not, but isn't that what Christmas is all about?"

Ruby nodded and starting ripping the paper off. "It's a... box." She opened the box. "It's a... bag." She opened the bag. Inside was a some new underwear. "Um... Weiss?"

"All I'm saying is that everyone would be more comfortable if you wore some." Ruby gave a truly depressed look, to which Weiss smiled. "Oh, and there's a gift card for free cookies in there too."

Ruby jumped up, pumping her fist in the air. "YAY! COOKIES!"

Yang picked out another present. "Alright, this one's next... It's for Blake." She handed the haphazardly wrapped present to her partner. "From me!"

Blake took the gift. "Now I'm scared." She opened it to find exactly what she had expected. "Gee thanks, Yang." She held up the large bag of catnip for everyone to see.

While Yang and Ruby laughed, Weiss retrieved another gift from under the tree. "This one's for me!"

Blake gave an interested look, ignoring her partner. "Who is it from?"

Weiss just shrugged. "Yang, but who cares. It's a present." She opened it and held up for all to see... a swimsuit. Not one to let Yang get the better of her, she just shrugged. "Thanks."

Yang suddenly became determined to beat the Heiress, so she reached under the tree and grabbed the one addressed to her from Weiss. Opening it in a hurry, she quickly pulled the present out to find... shampoo. "Wha... I don't..."

"It's for your hair." Weiss crossed her arms. "I thought you might actually appreciate hair care products."

Blake picked a present out from under the tree and handed it to Weiss. "Here, this one's from Ruby."

Weiss took it and opened it. Inside was... "Ruby!" She covered it up with her hands. "This is not appropriate!"

Blake peeked over, spotting the cover of a lewd book. "If you don't want it..."

Weiss closed the box up and put the present behind her. "No! I'll keep it, just..."

Ruby grabbed a gift and gave it to Blake. "Oh, and this one's from me too!"

Blake opened it, then turned red. "Well... it's not a cat toy..." It was, in fact, the most recent release in her favorite series. Until now, she had been unaware that Ninjas Of Love had six volumes. She had also been unaware that her teammates knew about her love for the series. "Uh... thanks, Ruby."

"Now it's time for sisterly presents!" Yang excitedly shoved a gift into Ruby's hands. "This is from me!"

Ruby opened it and pulled out a CD, waving it around happily. "Yay! Jeff Williams!"

Yang looked at her sister expectantly. "So what did you get me?"

Ruby stopped. "Oh... I knew I was forgetting something..."

Blake went over to the tree. "Okay, so now it's time for presents from me!" She handed everyone their respective gifts, three small packages.

Ruby opened her gift to find it contained a stack of books. She'd never heard of them before, but books were books. "Thanks, Blake!"

Yang's gift, on the other hand, was a dead bird. "Um... I don't get it."

"You gave me catnip. I give you a dead bird. Treat me like your cat, and I'll treat you like my human."

"You win this round, Belladonna."

And finally, Weiss got... "This is a calendar?"

Blake nodded.

"A kitten calendar."

"Yes."

"From last year."

"Uh... the pictures are still cute."

Weiss shook her head. "Well, then open my present to you."

Suddenly, Blake was very curious. She unwrapped it and opened the box.

And out jumped a puppy.

"WEISS, *boop*ING GET IT AWAY FROM ME!"

* * *

**Author's note: JNPR gets presents next time.**


	12. Christmas Time with JNPR

"Nora, I really hope you got us normal presents." Pyrrha eyed the three large boxes under Jaune's bed. They didn't have room for a Christmas tree in their room, so the team had taken to decorating their leader's bed.

Ren looked over at the boxes in question as well. "I hope they're at least appropriate."

Nora appeared between them, smiling like there was no tomorrow. "No to the first, but yes to the second so long as it's appropriate for people to wear underwear."

Pyrrha shrugged. "Actually, underwear's pretty normal. I mean, I haven't gotten any for Christmas before, but apparently a lot of people do."

Nora leaned back against the windowsill. "You say that now, but just you wait and see what it looks like."

Ren went pale. "What have you done, Nora?"

She just smiled innocently, filling Ren with a sense of dread. "Nothing life-threatening."

Ren looked at Pyrrha. "Well... I suppose that's the best I can hope for."

The door opened and Jaune walked in, seeing his teammates waiting for him. "Oh... hi guys!"

Nora jumped up and pointed at his face. "You're late!"

Jaune laughed nervously. "Uh, yeah, I was occupied a bit longer than I expected to be..."

Ren rolled his eyes. "No you weren't. You forgot how to unlock the door again."

Jaune slumped over, ashamed. "Yeah..." He looked over at his bed. "So, are we gonna open presents?"

"YES!" Nora vaulted over the two beds in the way, somersaulting through the air and landing beside Jaune's bed. She reached under the bed and pulled out three presents, all addressed to her. "These ones are mine!" A moment later, they were all open. A Rubik's cube, a stuffed Pikachu, and a stack of Dr. Seuss books.

Jaune and Pyrrha looked at each other. Pyrrha smirked. "Well, that went quickly enough."

Ren sighed. "Nora, do you have any idea who got you which present?"

But Nora was silent, intensely focused on Great Day For Up and holding the Pikachu close to her body.

Pyrrha sat down beside Nora, noticing her wide-eyed expression. "Is it okay if we open the presents you got us next?" Nora barely nodded, but Pyrrha caught the slight movement. Jaune handed the gifts out, and they sat down and started to open them.

Jaune, true to Nora's promise, got underwear. It was blue and decorated with red rocket ships. To Pyrrha and Ren's surprise, he didn't seem displeased. He simply put it back in the box and set it aside. Pyrrha opened her box, only to find quite the opposite of what she expected. Pulling the square object out, she stared at it for a long time before turning it so the others could see.

Pyrrha looked down at Nora. "Is... this a portrait of... me?"

Nora nodded, not looking away from her book. "Yup."

"Where did you get it?"

Still not looking up, Nora barely moved. "I made it. With my fingers."

The three stared at the painting. Jaune blinked in confusion. "This is... like... extremely detailed."

Ren looked down at his friend. "Nora... this is amazing. How did you...?"

"Finger paint."

Ren shook his head. "Why does that make it more believable?"

Pyrrha looked over to him. "What did she get you?"

Ren reached into the box and pulled out... "It's... a jar of dirt."

Nora looked up. "Yes."

"Is the jar of dirt going to help?"

"If you don't want it, give it back."

Ren groaned. "Nora, why did you give me a jar of dirt?"

"Open it."

Ren opened the jar, only to have something launch out and attach itself to the ceiling. Ren looked up to see green leaves and red berries. "Nora, what...?"

Nora jumped up. "We're under the mistletoe!" She launched herself at Ren, kissing him and quelling his protests. Jaune and Pyrrha just turned red at the sight.

While Ren and Nora were occupied, Pyrrha and Jaune decided to trade gifts. A moment later, Pyrrha was holding up a knitted sweater and Jaune was looking over the back of a box containing a card game. Both seemed to be genuinely happy with their gifts.

Jaune looked over to Pyrrha. "What is Cards Against Humanity?"

Ren finally managed to get Nora off of him. "You got what?"

Pyrrha held up her hands. "We can get into that some other time. For now... Ren, why don't you open your gifts from us."

A minute later, Ren was musing over the purposes for a Christmas Cactus and a snow globe. "I think we all need to learn a bit about Christmas presents..."

Jaune picked up one of the last two presents. "So what did you get me, Ren?"

Pyrrha picked up the last one. "I wonder what this is..."

Jaune's was a stuffed Charmander, and Pyrrha's was a stuffed Vulpix.

Ren sighed. "I got stuck in a shop that was full of stuffed Pokemon. That's all I'm gonna say about it."

Pyrrha smiled. "Well, I think it's cute."

Suddenly, Nora appeared between Jaune and Pyrrha, dangling the mistletoe from her mouth. "Go on, you two! Now's the time!"

Pyrrha looked at Jaune and blushed. "Jaune..."

Jaune blushed back. "Pyrrha?"

Nora was about to join in and yell her name, when Ren covered her mouth with his hand. "Don't you think reading some more Dr. Seuss would be nice right about now?" Nora nodded. "Good girl."

Nora and Ren moved to the side, letting Jaune and Pyrrha have their moment. They moved closer, getting ready to kiss, and...

The power in the entire building went out.

* * *

Cardin stood in the dark, his hands on the cords of a massive string of Christmas lights. Things sizzled and sparked around him. He had accidentally burnt out every single light in the school, and killed Beacon's power grid. Russel shook his head. Dove and Sky just stood, dumbfounded.

Velvet popped her head in the room. "Epic Christmas Time didn't work out for you, did it?"

* * *

**Author's Notes: What? Did you expect any different? We about to get festive up in this place! Oh, for the record, I'm not a supporter of any one pairing in particular. I just thought Ren/Nora and Jaune/Pyrrha would work for this chapter.**

**Feel free to give suggestions in your reviews, and remember! Something... Remember something. Oh, yeah, Merry Christmas! If you don't celebrate Christmas, well... Merry Christmas anyway!**


	13. JNPR Games

Ren ran along the rooftops, keeping a sharp eye on the people in the streets below. He effortlessly leaped from one building to the next. A guard on the roof turned and saw him approaching, but Ren jumped at him and put his hand to the man's neck. A small blade that Ren had hidden up his sleeve shot forward into the guard's neck, silencing him before he had a chance to alert others.

Ren glanced down, seeing that he was now above a courtyard. Down below him was his target. He stayed calm and emotionless as he jumped from the roof, landing on the top of a statue. He quickly jumped down to the ground, landing on the back of an unsuspecting guard, dispatching him with his hidden blade. Standing up, Ren drew his sword and faced another three guards. He saw his target behind them, running for an escape.

He ran forward, pushing two of the guards over, and chased down his target. He was faster, and he was smarter, and soon he caught his man. He grabbed the man and plunged the hidden blade into his back. "Requiescat In Pace."

Ran sat in front of the screen, watching the cutscene completely devoid of any real emotion towards the game. He was almost done, but it hardly mattered to him. The game barely held any interest anymore. It just repeated far too much.

* * *

Jaune ran. He just ran. He ran as fast as he could, jumping over holes in the ground that would send him careening to his doom, and dodging around walls that would slow him down. Some weird machine thing with spikes and wheels jumped out at him as he ran, but he quickly dodged to the side and avoided it. Looking ahead, he saw that the track he was on came to a loop.

"Uh oh..." He hit the loop, his eyes closed, and when he opened them again he found that he was still running. He had passed the loop without difficulty. He laughed as he ran. Jaune was the fastest Hedgehog in the world, and he could do anything.

Suddenly, the fat man appeared, riding his huge mechanical monstrosity. Jaune quickly jumped into the air and curled into a ball, launching himself at the flashing weak points on his enemy. He hit them and bounced away to the next one, letting them explode one by one behind him.

The fat doctor's voice cursed him as he retreated, and Jaune continued running. He was good at this, and he knew how to win. He laughed in triumph. This was going better than he expected.

"Jaune, keep it down. We're trying to sleep."

Jaune groaned. "Pyrrha, I'm trying to save the world here!"

"Go to sleep!"

* * *

Pyrrha opened the door and walked into the room. She looked around, noting everything in the room. It was fairly large and round, with stairs leading up to a raised platform in the center that took up most of the room. There were paintings on the walls all around her, all identical. She thought it odd, but had no idea what to expect in the room. She walked up the stairs and stood in the center, glancing around expectantly. Nothing happened.

"Strange..." She eventually just shrugged and made to leave. Suddenly, a spiked gate shot up from the floor and blocked her way out. She turned around and gasped. Floating in the air above her was the image of her enemy, mounted on the back of a horse. Both seemed to be levitating, beyond any reason she could see. He laughed and placed a dark helmet on his head, and the battle began.

He turned and rode his floating horse into one of the paintings. Pyrrha tried her best to ignore how ridiculous that was. She looked around and spotted him riding out of one of the paintings. She readied her bow and arrow and fired just as he was about to jump out, hitting her enemy without difficulty. He ran back into the painting, and the process repeated until he jumped off his horse.

Ganondorf started hurling balls of lightning at her, which she simply deflected with her sword and sent back at him. When he fell to the ground, she jumped forward and attacked with her sword. Moments later, victory was hers.

Pyrrha jumped up, dropping her controller. "Yes! I'm the winner!" Her team watched in awkward silence as she danced around happily.

* * *

Nora ran around the dark hallways, searching for the last thing she needed. She turned a corner to find herself face with a red-colored ghost. In between him and her, however, she saw the super pellet. She grabbed it and ate it, and the ghost turned blue with terror. She chased him down and caught him, eating him as well. Another corner and she caught the pink ghost and ate it. Then she spotted the last pellet. How she had missed it was beyond her, but it was hers now.

Nora glanced back at her team, who was watching in absolute horrified disbelief. "Told you."

Jaune fainted. Pyrrha and Ren exchanged glances. Ren spoke for the three of them. "Alright Nora, we believe you. Level one hundred is a real thing."

Nora smiled. "And?"

"And you are the ultimate master of Pacman."

* * *

**And now you know that JNPR is generally better at video games than RWBY.**


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